Tiff – Poliça (feat. Justin Vernon)

The fact that Bon Iver dude is on this track lends it instant street cred.

Croc n Roll

Crocs are without a doubt the unsung heroes of the fashion world. Every day they pull outfits together but never do they get any press coverage. I’m positive that celebrities wear them all the time but you never see them in the pages of US Weekly or those other similarly worthless magazines that should be banned. Well I refuse to let these practical and stylish shoes go unnoticed for any longer. Rumo recently purchased Andy an understated pair of Realtree Camouflage Crocs for Father’s Day, and I received a matching pair as a belated Mother’s Day present. Andy was very ungrateful and bitched a lot about me being on a shopping moratorium but I was like “Andy you are unappreciative of your son’s great efforts. Can you imagine how long it took him to enter in your credit number with those not very dexterous paws?” As you can see Rumo was very much hoping Andy would love them, and honestly, how could he not.As I said, we had initially received matching pairs, but Andy said that there is no fucking way we were going to be one of those hippie couples with not only camouflage crocs but also matching ones. So I ended up returning mine to placate him and getting some in black camo because I felt they would go better with skinny jeans anyway. Here they are in all their glory:

The camouflage blends in ridiculously well with a natural forested environment. It probably took you in between 5 and 10 minutes to spot them in this picture. The thing about them that is so surprising is that they are not just a pure fashion piece; they aren’t that pair of shoes that hides in the back of your closet because you can only wear them for special occasions like weddings and visiting German Shepherd breeders. They actually are incredibly practical, great for everyday casual wear AND outdoorsy athletic activities. Watch me demonstrate their various uses, with flair:Wading through rapids! Leaping across rivers! I think they even increase my athletic abilities, as usually it is impossible for me to thwart gravity and lift my body weight off the earth’s surface without some sort of lever or pulley device, or pizza. In sum, my new footwear “croc’ed” my world! Get some before they sell out, because you can’t borrow mine.

Doin’ It Right – Daft Punk ft. Panda Bear

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RA5PRj7KPkE

Fashion Finds – Haute Headcovers

It’s only fair that I devote some time and energy to men’s fashion, and a simple way to ease into this is to discuss some common men’s accessories – shit guys use when playing golf. Andy and I recently had a lovely wedding weekend in the Hamptons, and Momo the groom was taking some of the serious golf bros out for a pre-wedding day on the grass (or the field or the lawn or whatever the fuck it’s called).  It was a super serious and classy golfist arena where cell phone usage is frowned upon and considered poor etiquette (similar gravity to a embassy visit, the March of the Living, or anytime I’m watching Lord of the Rings). This makes it really hard to rebut “pics or it didn’t happen” haters, but apparently it’s quite perturbing to hear one of those shit Kanye ringtones blasting out in the middle of one’s backswing. Anyway, while Andy was packing up all his golf paraphernalia and necessary accoutrements, I yelled down to see if he needed help with anything.  I heard him holler back “Oh yes sweet angel is there any chance you can rustle up those awesome headcovers you’ve purchased for me over the years? I’d hate to be caught without a furry woodland creature caressing my driver!” I snuffled through some bins in the garage and after much sleuthing about found them underneath some old tupperware, thoughtfully wrapped up in a garbage bag. I was so excited because these headcovers are the darndest things; Andy can never seem to find them when he’s heading out to play and it’s as if they have some intrinsic camouflage abilities.  My persistence paid off but I was especially motivated because even an amateur knows that having naked golf clubs just looks tacky out there. I have amassed quite the spectacular collection for Andy, as shown, and over time have tried to really mix it up and not stick with any of my favorites (BTW, we’re looking for a nice dragon to tie up the set so if you have any leads please post them in the comments)

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It turned out that I had misheard Andy’s earlier response to me, which was in fact “Can you please give me 5 minutes of peace, I am not 12 years old and don’t need help packing. Surely there’s another wolf t-shirt hiding on the internet somewhere that you could spend my paycheck on?” A lucky misinterpretation for him since he probably would have forgotten all about his fuzzy gang! Choosing the right club buddy is harder than it would seem; you don’t want to go with something feckless like Snoopy, but you don’t want to be “that guy” sporting a fanged silverback gorilla. The message you should be looking to convey is “I’m an animal and I’m here to play like one, but really the domesticated, well mannered version of one; you know the sort you would take shopping on Melrose but still feel confident having your back in a street fight.” We decided together that the wolf was perhaps too aggressive for a friendly game and you can all see which option Rumo was pushing. Andy enthusiastically made the final call, going with Mr. Griz and the Wolf King’s doppelganger. 

Those little bastards somehow fell out of the bag after Andy had packed them up, but thankfully I found those cute fuckers and tucked them right back in. High five Mr. Griz!

What I Wore Today #tbt – Oy Vegas

This is the first of my “Throwback Thursday” posts. I’ve decided to document some of my retro fashion choices because many are currently applicable to modern day fashion, which is really just further evidence of my avant garde-ness when it comes to all things style. Four years ago I went to Vegas for a bachelorette party with a bunch of my besties who are all babes and generally quite well put together. Which can be annoying because sometimes it’s so obvious that they’re trying to compete with me for the #1 fashionista title. Anyway I had just spent two years as a snowboard instructor. For the purpose of this post, this means that I spent my days wearing 47 layers to keep my body temperature just above a mild shiver and minesweeping lunch leftovers from my kids’ group lessons just to keep myself from falling asleep in such boring company; at the time, my body maintenance strategy was akin to some sort of large ursine creature prepping for a Seven Kingdoms style “Winter is Coming” apocalypse, and my Stay Puft uniform didn’t help keep me apprised of my growth. So the point is that I was fat and had no current clothing befitting a classy and tropical environment. Also, I knew that I would get bitched out by my friends if I wore flip flops and sweatpants to da clubs, and I needed to find something decent looking to cover myself up at the pool or risk being harpooned Ahab style. The problem was that I honestly hate shopping for anything that isn’t sneakers and men’s clothing, so the thought of having to plan for a fucking Sex and the City wardrobe change weekend was giving me dry heaves. As usual, I came up with the greatest idea and decided I would buy a black bathing suit cover-up that would double as a “little black dress” for evening wear. BOOM. It was a bit loose at the bottom and was starting to hang a bit oddly by the end of the day, but MY BAD I grabbed a hair clip and pinned the hem together into some sort of bustle thing. I couldn’t replicate it now but I’ll tell you what, it worked. The girls were predictably super jealous that I managed to be not only comfortable but also thrifty, and tried to rain on my parade. But a picture is worth a thousand words, so you tell me. Some of these girls spent 4 hours getting ready every day, but one went straight from fun in the sun to models and bottles with a relaxing nap in between: can you tell which is the chic genius who spent a combined sixty dollars on her outfits for the entire weekend?

Exactly. You can’t, I know. I can tell you right now, it’s not the one with the dick on her head who was told by the Wynn Tower Suites concierge to “please remove the penis from your hair.”

Make It To Me – Manchester Orchestra ft. Grouplove

I have a love/hate relationship with this song, meaning sometimes I think it sucks and other times I think it’s great. Currently, I think it’s great.

What I Wore Today – Wineries and Wedding Dresses

One of the questions I’m frequently asked is “zOMG Ali how do you afford to look so fresh and fashionable day in and day out?” The short answer to this is “versatility.” When it comes to picking pieces for my daily wardrobe, I look for items that I know I can get tons of wear out of, such as wolf t-shirts and sweatpants. If I can’t put it on when I wake up in the morning and then wear it to school and then the gym and then to bed, it’s not for me. Today, a bunch of my betches planned a voyage to some wineries. Knowing that “wineries” is pretty much just their excuse to dress up fancy and engage in what seems like a nonstop photo shoot, I knew I had to step up my game a bit. All my maxi dresses were dirty and I couldn’t wear a short dress because my legs had 7-10 days of growth on them and I had neither the time nor the inclination to remedy that. Seeing as I’m in a sustainable mood these days I grabbed the least flexible piece in my wardrobe and decided I was going to get some goddamn versatility out of it. Well ladies, you are welcome! I am paving the way forward in the fashion world by opening up wedding dresses as an everyday option. Pair it with a cute colorful cardigan and some casual Van Doren Vans and it’s dressed down enough for a delightful day out in Virginia wine country! I knew I pulled it off when my friend Kate saw me and was all like “Holy shit that’s a sick maxi” and I was like “Fooled ya gurl, it’s actually my wedding dress!” She was kinda speechless I think because new trends can be a lot to take in.

Harc got kinda weird and was like “Pretend you’re Melisandre and give birth to me like an evil shadow baby” which I thought was a bit over the top but good friends humor each other and I’m a sucker for Game of Thrones, as shown.

We ended the day with some action shots, as my athletic abilities precede me and the ladies were like “Ali please show us how cool it looks when you jump off a picnic table into wet mulch.” I guess they were right because it looked positively Olympian.

I would have to say that the only thing wrong with this outfit was the fact that I’ve slimmed down since my wedding which meant that my strapless bra was too big. So I had to wear a traditional bra, meaning the straps showed, but it was nude and pretty much invisible. Honestly you probably wouldn’t even have noticed unless I pointed it out. Now I know you’re all thinking, but Ali isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Aren’t you supposed to be super anorexic before your wedding, on a diet of celery and air particles, and from that point slowly devolve into mushy blob-dom? Well girls, I like to call my strategy the old “under-promise and over-deliver.” My bad. Anyway, I think I pulled this look off and blended in quite well overall. What do you think?

Chad Valley – Shell Suite

The girl in this video is very unlike me in that she likes to wear dresses and also shows a wanton disregard for the preservation of blackberries. Differences aside, the song is grand.

Wardrobe Whoopsies – Running Out of Underwear on Vacation

Even the most well-dressed style icons have a slip-up or two in their fashion career. Traveling leaves much room for error as you are having to plan not one but multiple different outfits and also because you have to decide exactly what to pack for every possible eventuality. Packing for travel days is often the hardest decision; you should aim to be well put-together, but at the same time you don’t want to be seen as a try-hard. Notice how I strike the correct balance by pairing casual bottoms with a cashmere sweater (perfect for landing in 90 degree weather) worn over the shoulders country-club style. To the untrained eye it looks like I hit the nail on the head with this one. However, on my most recent trip I had the misfortune of underestimating the amount of underwear I would need, and as a result I was forced to borrow a pair off my loving and understanding husband for the flight home. Honestly though they were supes comfy and easily doubled as shorts when the flight crew was for some reason trying to simulate what it would feel like to literally be sitting inside the sun while wearing a garbage bag. The silver lining to this mishap is that I think Andy was quietly quite pleased with this outcome as he snapped this sneaky picture of me disembarking from our luxurious circa 19th century Havilland Dash. Clearly there must be something sexy and arousing about seeing your wife strutting sexily around the airport with her tank top casually and definitely not accidentally tucked into your underwear, whilst wearing the now capacious sweatpants that she also wore on the outbound flight. Taking a “whoopsie” and turning it into a “wowza” is an inherent quality that cannot be taught but can only be emulated.

Fashion Finds – Owl Accessories

This week we took a side trip to Lovely Clovelly, a sea side town that attempted to charge us £6.50 (so like a hundred US dollars) each just to enter and stumble down the steep cobbled street to the seashore. Thinking it had to be an untimely April Fool’s joke, we just walked in through exit. Thankfully we weren’t put off by this silly prank as in Clovelly I stumbled upon what is SURELY the season’s hottest accessory: the Little Owl (Latin name: Little Owl). There was a huge line to check out the Little Owl on offer (aptly named Merlin) because fashion is fickle and most people want to try before they buy. The line was chock full of annoying little children who are pretty much the worst people to be in line with. In my opinion if children are waiting in line with adults they should be instantly moved to the back of the line seeing as they tend to put no value on time whatsoever and usually end up wasting heaps of it by whining about absolutely everything and going to the bathroom in stupid places. It is important to let people know when you are annoyed so that they too will feel uncomfortable and hopefully change their behavior. Unfortunately, because kids are dumb psychological tricks like this have no effect on them.

Since we had saved hella ducats on our entrance fee I started waving around some bling because usually money talks but this owl handler was so busy wiping these kids asses with my owl or whatever that she didn’t see. I think she might have been ignoring me because she wasn’t wearing sunglasses and I was aiming the reflection right at her eyes.

Anyway after an eternity I made it to the front of the line and, obviously, Merlin looked AMAZING on me. I think we complemented each other nicely particularly as we both have similar moustaches. Notice how I paired him with a down vest – materials should be worn with like materials if you are making bold choices such as this. As with many trends, owl accessories will probably take a bit of time to make it across the Atlantic, and we will likely see many faux pas such as women wearing Snowy Owls in the spring or Barn owls being used as urban wear. They can be worn as owl rings on the hand (as pictured) or on the shoulder (as demonstrated). I think the owl ring is a more subtle, classy look. I did not take Merlin home because he was a sample and pre-owned owls likely come with a lot of mental baggage.